It’s been awhile. I’ve been, I don’t know, really. Absent. Down but not out, I tell you.
I didn’t realize it until today, but I guess God’s been re-working my heart a little bit. Heart healing is sucky. I’ve been chasing Jesus. Earbuds with Max Maclean. I’ve been working on a few ministries – leading a few teens and a small women’s group. I’m posturing up for Africa – my missionary adventure. November is far away, but in a few shakes of my cute new puppy’s tail, it’ll be here.
I admired this little puppy today. Not as an amazing breed of dog or because of exemplary skill. But, because it was. Black nose and face dusted into a tan so soft coat of short puppy dog hair. Puppy breath. Compact. A chihuahua. This naughty little puppy that chews and whines and barks me up at 5:00am. Her tiny palm sized presence prompted us to name her appropriately: Texas. We call her Texi. She poops all over my house. I am a terrible dog trainer. I get frustrated. Over dog poop! Seriously. I get so frustrated, not just at the dog, but at the other people in my home who don’t see the dog poop. Or take the dog out for more than 15 seconds. Will I enjoy this darling little dog or let it frustrate me into anger. I think of clenched fists I’ve been discussing with a few different people.
The picture of a tightly gripped fist prompts thoughts of strength, victory, perhaps fighting. We focused on the frustration and trials in life that cause us to clench our fists to the grace of God in my ladies group yesterday. The author, Ann with no “e”, has so far prompted us that in order to find joy in the present, we must open our fists, open our hands to God. How do you open your hands? Her solution: thanksgiving. She started to keep a list of 1,000 ways the Lord had already blessed her. In doing that intentional act of thanksgiving, she began opening her hands from her past hurts and began receiving the overflowing love of the Lord. After she saw His perfect grace, she finally felt His perfect joy. I want that. I want to be there.
I’m totally working on it. Body, mind, and spirit.
I’m doing this super insane diet right now. I had to try something. My leg pain and swallowing/choking feelings are waxing and waning but mostly waxing. Does that even make sense? Waxing? Sure it does. So, I’ve eaten the healthiest that my body has ever eaten for five whole days in a row. Five. No coffee. No Diet Dr. Pepper. No dairy. No sugar. No animal products until today – I had a cup of homemade beef broth. I’ve done a drastic dietary change just to start, there’s no way this could be a lifestyle for me. I’m moving into the next stage of my self-designed diet and I’m pretty excited. The focus is intentional: healing.
I don’t want to be angry and disappointed all the time. I am tired of being in a hurry and always busy, but never fulfilled. I am tired of being tired. I want to get excited about living. Excited to wake up and play in this life. I’m learning to let others help. I’ve hired a great staff at the store. I have a lot more flexibility in my job right now and I am so, completely thankful. Toby is supportive and helpful. He’s doing this crazy diet with me. Not because he has to or needs to but because he loves me.
I love him, too.